By Charlene Crilley
Conflict Tips
Avoid arguing in the car, it’s too confining and adds to feeling trapped.
Be sure you have time, i.e. company is not coming, you’re not leaving the house soon or going to work. Having conflict when there is no time temps a hit and run situation. Leave the bed and actually go to another room. The bedroom is for comfort.
Some people want reassurance during conflict and others need lots of space. Do not touch, each other during a conflict unless your ask the other person first.
If you need to take a break during an argument first say “I need to take a break, can we continue in twenty minutes, I’m gong for a walk, or where ever. I’ll be back at 1:30 pm, .” (specific time) The other person is less apt to feel left hanging or abandoned
Always allow the other person to leave or go into another part of the house without following them. Do not try to restrain them. Hopefully you will be able to set a mutual time to reengage.
When you “know” you are headed in the “same old direction” in your conflict and you know you are reaching “that” point, say “I want to do this the new way, let’s take a break” Remember the phrase “The New Way”. It’s neutral and invites the feeling of working together.
Be respectful, no name calling. It will come back to haunt you.
You know the buttons, don’t push them during an argument. The pains remains and no gain.
Tell each other what topic you want to agree are off limits during an argument unless that is the topic of the conflict.
If you argue to win, you loose.
Corner Stone. Give them the benefit of the doubt, remembering your partner loves you, wants to be with you, and wants the best for you. They may be wrong, communicating poorly, totally off base, but they are still there.
Any reference to your partners family, i.e., you’re just like your father, is a set up, it will haunt you later.
One topic at a time. Even if you have the “perfect” example to make your point don’t give in to the temptation. Write it down. If it came to mind it most likely has not been resolved and needs discussion at a time when you are both calm.
Reacting, (speaking without making a conscious decision about what you want to say) is quite an obstacle to constructive conflict resolution. On the other hand, Being curious invites you to be present in the moment. It is difficult to be curious and angry or defensive at the same time.