Neighborhood: Kearny Mesa

E-Mail: healthpsyk@gmail.com

Services Offered
Individual Therapy, Couples Therapy, Consulting

Age Specialty
Adults, Children, Elders

License Information:
CA PSY-21853
Practicing Since: 2008

Education
University of Southern California, Los Angeles, CA 2000-May 2006
PhD, Counseling Psychology, APA-Accredited Program - 2006
University of California, Los Angeles, Los Angeles, CA - 1999
B.Sc., Psychobiology

Dissertation: Young Women & Breast Cancer: A Meta-Analysis of Age Differences across QoL Domains

Honors Thesis:
Health, Facial Attractiveness, & Brain Asymmetry: The Prettier, The Healthier

Internship Experience
Behavioral Medicine Staff Psychologist, San Diego VA Feb 08-Present
* Establish multidisciplinary PsychoSocial Oncology program. Provide screening and counseling for veterans diagnosed with cancer. Serve on Palliative Care Consult Team. Provide mental health screening and counseling in primary care setting at VA Outpatient Clinic for veterans with depression, anxiety, and/or PTSD within the context of health issues including: chronic pain, heart disease, Parkinson’s Disease, HIV, etc. Co-facilitate smoking cessation groups for veterans with comorbid mental illness and/or substance use disorders. Perform psychological evaluations and counseling for veterans being considered for Bariatric surgery. Co-facilitate weekly Behavioral Medicine seminar with 10 psychology trainees.

Research Associate, UCSD
*Conduct meta-analyses pertaining to health psychology issues such as heart disease, chronic pain, and cancer. Co-investigator on R01-funded study to examine differences in Heart Rate Variability for patients with chronic pain. Write IRB applications for study approval and potential funding.

Behavioral Medicine Psychology Post-Doc Fellow at San Diego VA
*Provide screening and counseling for veterans diagnosed with cancer. Establish multidisciplinary PsychoSocial Oncology program. Co-facilitate Smoking Cessation groups for veterans with mental illness and veterans in treatment for substance abuse. Provide mental health screening and counseling in primary care setting at VA Outpatient Clinic. Perform psychological evaluations for veterans being considered for Bariatric surgery.

Health Behavior Specialist at UCSD/San Diego VA
*Recruit participants for and conduct mental stress testing of participants for a UCSD study designed to better understand the “Neuroimmune Characteristics of Congestive Heart Failure and Depression.” Conducted collaborative research for publication including literature review and meta-analysis. Continue to co-develop training of and monthly meetings with SCI Peer Mentors.

Psychology Intern at UCSD/San Diego VA
*Provided assessment of and counseling for: chronic pain population at UCSD’s Chronic Pain & Palliative Care program (10 hrs/wk), inpatients of UCSD’s Regional Burn Center (12 hrs/wk), and inpatients at the San Diego VA’s Spinal Cord Injury Unit (20 hrs/wk). Co-facilitated groups for: veterans adjusting to spinal cord injury and patients living with chronic pain. Attended and presented cases weekly at multi-disciplinary Burn Unit and Spinal Cord Injury Unit rounds. Attended and presented cases monthly for chronic pain patients at Chronic Pain & Palliative Care rounds. Developed and implemented Spinal Cord Injury Peer Mentor Program with Drs. Muse and Casmar (both SCI Psychologists). Most commonly provided treatment for the following: adjustment to illness, injury, and chronic pain; PTSD; anxiety; and depression.

Behavioral Medicine Counselor at Downtown LA VA
*Developed and co-facilitated groups for veterans with the following issues: sleep disorders, living with chronic illness, weight management, and bereavement. Provided individual, face-to-face behavioral medicine therapy to 2-3 clients per week. Provided neuropsychological and PTSD assessment as needed.

Assessment Trainee at USC Disability Services
*Tested college students with suspected learning disabilities in order to determine eligibility for academic accommodations. Tests administered included: Screening Test for Luria-Nebraska Neuropsychological Battery, WAIS-III, Woodcock-Johnson III, WMS-III, TOVA, Bender-Gestalt, and Brown ADD Scales.

Practicum Supervisor at USC
*Provided group supervision to ten master’s students (2 groups of 5) once weekly for one semester. Students relayed case conceptualization verbally and brought in audiotape and videotape of sessions for discussion and feedback.

Mental Health Counselor at Kedren CMHC
*Provided individual, face-to-face therapy to a 34 year-old Latina with Schizoaffective Disorder and PTSD due to previous domestic violence. Participated in 3 hours of group supervision each week and watched and provided feedback for four other students’ sessions.

Mental Health Counselor at Los Angeles Gay & Lesbian Center
*Provided individual, face-to-face therapy to an average of six clients per week with a variety of backgrounds and issues. Also provided crisis counseling and completed intakes as needed.

Mental Health Counselor at CMHC
*Provided individual, face-to-face therapy to a white 40 year-old woman with PTSD due to domestic violence and alcohol abuse. Participated in 3 hours of group supervision each week and watched and provided feedback for nine other students’ sessions

Volunteer Experience
Patient Navigator for Community Hospital of the Monterey Peninsula
*Provide one-on-one guidance for newly diagnosed cancer patients, helping them through each phase of treatment. Support provided via phone, email, and meeting in person.

Hospice Volunteer for Community Hospital of the Monterey Peninsula
*Co-facilitated Bereavement Support Group for adults (mostly women) whose losses included spouses, friends, and adult children. Visited patients on the oncology ward of the hospital.

Reach-to-Recovery Volunteer for the American Cancer Society
*Meet with women shortly after undergoing surgery for breast cancer to answer questions and refer them to appropriate local resources.

Group Facilitator for Chronic Pain Support Group
*Facilitated Chronic Pain Support Group consisting of an average of 8 people (about half men, and half women). Most of the members were white and over 40. Causes of pain included car accidents, back injury, fibromyalgia, and migraines.

Honors and Awards
USC Rossier School of Education Scholarship Jan 2000
Highest Departmental Honors, UCLA Psychology Department Jun 1999
Class Valedictorian, Hartnell College Jun 1995

Professional Associations
California Psychological Association Since 2005
American Psycho-Oncology Society Since 2004
American Psychological Association 2000-2005

Leadership
Owner, Wongway Enterprises, Accounting Business Aug 00-Aug 05
President, Counseling Graduate Students, USC Jun 02-Dec 02
Student Support Chair, Counseling Graduate Students, USC Jun 01-May 02

Are you struggling with painful feelings of depression and anxiety? Do you feel empty, alone and hopeless? Do you feel stuck in your life? Is drinking, getting high or hooking up becoming a problem? Are you having difficulty finding meaningful intimate relationships?

Change is possible and psychotherapy can help you. You can feel better about yourself…have more fulfilling relationships…stop abusing drugs and alcohol…engage in healthy sex…find relief from depression and anxiety.” Individual, Couples and Group Therapy

Gay Men’s Therapy Group
Every Wednesday at 8pm - 9:30pm
$50 per session

Benefits of being a member of an ongoing therapy group include:
*Building confidence and self-esteem
*Support for your personal struggles
*Gaining a sense of comfort in group
*Improve relationship skills
*Building intimacy with others
*Gain a sense of belonging

Office Location
Mark Reina
8170 Beverly Blvd., Suite 204
Los Angeles, CA 90048

Neighborhood: West Hollywood, Los Angeles, CA

Office phone 310.366.5494
Email address moreina@sbcglobal.net

License type
MFT (Marriage and Family Therapist)
License number 45475
In practice since 2005

Education
MA in Clinical Psychology (Antioch University)
Certified Group Psychotherapist (AGPA)
Certified Psychoanalytic Psychotherapist (LAISPS)

Specialties
Individual and Group Therapy
Addictions, Depression, Anxiety, HIV/AIDS, Life Stage issues

Theoretical Orientation
Psychodynamic

Memberships
Los Angeles Gay Psychotherapists Association
Los Angeles Group Psychotherapy Society
American Group Psychotherapy Association

I know it can feel hard and lonely during the hard times. It can help to see a professional who’s only agenda is what’s best for you.

I can help you clarify issues, change patterns, teach you some relationship tools and get you back on the road to the life and relationship you desire.

Education . MS Counseling from San Diego State University

Specialties:

* Improving Communication
* Resolving Conflict
* Dealing with Infidelity
* Power struggles around finances, chores
* Differences in being “out”
* Jealousy
* Issues around Intimacy
* Overcoming Depression
* Grief and Loss
* Healing abuse issues
* Coming out issues

Location
Laura Zweckbronner
1807 Robinson Ave. #204
San Diego CA 92103
619-685-8836

Neighborhood:Hillcrest

Services Offered
Individual Therapy, Couples Therapy,

License Information
License: CA mfc30525
Practicing Since: 1992

Age Specialty
Adults, Elders

Many young gay men, in childhood and early adolescence, as they become aware that they are gay, often build an internal awareness of their gay identity long before it is known to any other human being, including those closest to them such as parents or best friends. Eventually, this awareness builds internally until the need for it to be expressed externally becomes almost overwhelming: the person needs the outside perception by others of one’s self to be congruent with the internal reality. It is generally difficult for humans to feel one reality and act “as if” another. These guys eventually get tired of being thought of as straight, or being thought of as “asexual” or “ambiguous”, and eventually crave the external validation of their gay self from others. As the title character in the musical “Tommy” pleads, “See me, hear me.” The pain of keeping sexual orientation a secret, and the need for receiving acceptance from others and expression of affection or sexuality to others, becomes too great to contain.

This leads to the decision to spill the beans, to the grand “coming out” – for many people an event that often comes in late adolescence or during the college years, but for some earlier or later. Coming out usually refers to “coming out of the closet”, meaning moving away from the secret closet of hiding one’s gay sexual orientation to others, but it can also borrow some of its meaning from another cultural phenomenon, which is the “coming out” into society of young female “debutantes” – from the French “debut” – a tradition now associated with being limited to “old-fashioned” times or to the American South. The tradition of the debutante and her coming out at a grand cotillion dance says that a young woman moves from being a girl to a young lady; she is ready to be noticed by society as a person in her own right, and is officially “available” to be courted and dated with society’s approval. A similar tradition exists in the Latino community, when a young girl at 15 has a “quinciñera”, which is a similar marking of the transition from young girl to young lady. Jewish boys and girls have a similar rite of passage in the Bar Mitzvah or Bat Mitzvah, and Catholic boys and girls in confirmation, which mark the transition from childhood to young adulthood with a spiritual significance. Phrases in speech such as the medical “coming out of a coma” or in psychology, “coming out of an abusive home”, means that someone is emerging triumphantly from a physical, medical, or psychological prison, and into a better state of being. For gay men, coming out serves a similar purpose – it is a transition of perception of the self and to others that says to the world, “If you thought of me as a little boy before, stand corrected – I am a young man. If you thought of me as straight before, stand corrected – I am gay. If you thought of me as isolated or unavailable before, stand corrected – I am worthy of loving and being loved by another man. If you thought of me as without sexual capability before (like a eunuch), stand corrected – I am a sexual being in my own right, and I welcome this opportunity to proudly share who I am.”

But coming out is not only a personal announcement to society that serves as a marker of social availability, it is also more of a “process” than an “event”. Many gay men see their coming out as an event, where they tell many people in a short period of time – from friends, to family, to coworkers. But in reality, coming out is a process – we have to do it again and again over a lifetime. Even if we live as out, proud, gay men for the majority of our lives, too often (as the modern population since Stonewall ages), there is a risk of elderly gay men being “forced” back into the closet as they enter nursing homes or assisted living facilities where, once again, well-meaning but often ignorant staff can assume that the dear little old man is straight and widowed – as opposed to never married, never partnered, or widowed but by a male partner. Support for coming out is a lifelong process from the time we are gay children unaware of how vague feelings of being “different” translate into sexual identity, to the blooming flower of sexuality that comes with adolescence, to finding and maintaining adulthood partnerships, to extending a healthy gay sexuality well into old age.

Coming out as a process can mean many areas of “unfinished business”. Even as a gay activist, author, and speaker, I still have a few relatives in the far branches of my family tree that I haven’t directly come out to in the 20 years since my first revelation to my first confidante. I still have professional and personal situations where the assumption of heterosexuality prevails until I say or do something to disprove it publicly. Part of what makes gay men so tenacious (if we may cautiously generalize a characteristic to an entire population), is that we have to practice a certain vigilance to frequently face situations that call upon our courage to come out, over and over again. We have to practice bravery in facing potential ridicule more often than the average straight person. This must build some kind of character and certainly teaches us about the value of perseverance in the face of adversity. It also teaches us about thinking critically; once we painfully and carefully over time challenge the heterosexist notion that everyone is, or “should be” heterosexual, it becomes easier to critically examine any societal idea, assumption, or belief – and decide whether these assumptions are based on true and sound concepts or are merely prejudices that need to be challenged to reduce harm to others. Once a gay man has examined and rejected notions of heterosexism, he opens his mind to many other progressive ideas, including the idea that being a minority is not synonymous with inferiority or defect, as antigay forces (usually motivated by narrowly-interpreted religious doctrine used to obtain money, influence, or political power) would have us believe.

The individual experience of millions of gay men in this emotional process of distinct stages is repeated with every generation and has become a part of the world’s collective, universal emotional experience. The personal experience of the individual becomes a political, societal, even spiritual force that affects millions worldwide – and yet for many young men, the experience makes one feel isolated, as if they were the only ones with these strong feelings in the search for a gay identity.

Coming out is an individual process, but it ultimately serves the collective good – not only for the worldwide gay community, but for the advancement of the capability for compassion and appreciation of the pluralism of human kind.

In my psychotherapy practice, I help gay men with coming out issues at any stage of life, in addition to the many special issues gay men face – from self-esteem, to dating, to relationships, to sexual issues, to health issues (especially HIV concerns), to family issues, to mood disorders like depression and anxiety, to career and social issues. In my work with clients, I try to help them “come out” of their own limitations, and emerge into a new sense of themselves that is refreshed and renewed, meeting the life goals that they set for themselves. Mastering his own version of the coming out process is a part of every gay man’s mental health.

(For more information or for a consultation, contact Ken Howard, LCSW, at 310-726-4357)

I specialize in helping successful gay men (individuals, and gay male couples) close the gap between how life is, and how you would like it to be, in important areas of your life, such as your:
- Emotions
- Behavior
- Health
- Career
- Relationships

I draw on over 15 years of professional experience in providing counseling and psychotherapy to gay men just like you, and from my own lifetime experience as a gay man.

I offer a Podcast; you can subscribe to this via the link to iTunes

Of course, I also work with some lesbians, and with non-gay men and women; it’s just that working with gay men has been a specialty of my practice, research, writing, and expertise. You can see other pages here on my website for articles I’ve published in the area of gay men’s mental health, men’s psychology, psychotherapy, counseling, and coaching, and in the areas of psychiatric social work, life coaching, and HIV mental health.

What’s brought you to my website today? What is the thing that you want to see CHANGE about your life?

–Are you feeling depressed, such as not feeling good about yourself, feeling that no one is really there for you, being unmotivated, losing enthusiasm for work or life, or that the future looks dull or mundane?
–Have you been anxious, on-edge, or sleepless, due to some stressful condition or event?
–Do you have concerns that you are drinking too much, or using party drugs too often?
–Do you have a partner, but you’re frustrated that the two of you argue too frequently about chores, sex, drinking, money, or stress?
–Are you scared of what the future may hold because you’ve recently tested positive for HIV?
–Are you feeling frustrated that time keeps going by and you still don’t have a boyfriend or partner?
–Are you feeling stressed about work before the day even begins, or exhausted from stress once it’s over?
–Do you hold dreams of changing careers, or want to learn how to cope better with the job you have?
–Are you trying to get a grip on an anger problem that currently often gets the best of you?
–Are you trying to deal with the feelings and memories of having been abused when you were younger - physically, emotionally, or sexually?
–Or are you doing pretty well in your life, but you still want someone to talk in private about important personal goals like making more money, improving your body image, or just feeling better about yourself?

I use a variety of techniques in gay-male-focused, affirmative, positive, and supportive counseling, psychotherapy, and life coaching. The work I do most often includes helping gay men and others to…
- Feel more motivated, confident, and viable again after being depressed
- Feel more relaxed and comfortable in situations that used to provoke intense anxiety
- Cope with alcohol, cocaine, crystal meth, and other addictions, and feel stronger, healthier, and liberated from the tyrrany of addiction
- Develop strategies for social anxiety to be less isolated, and put yourself confidently “out there” so you can meet someone you like — or love
- Develop strategies for planning your career, learning new skills, preparing for advanced education, or professional networking
- Defuse and de-escalate anger and relax, where you maybe you used to blow up and pay a high price for anger (such as domestic violence or legal trouble)
- Come to terms with being an abuse survivor, process what happened, heal through the pain, and live well on the other side of it
- Gain assertive communication skills to ask for — and get — what you want. I teach the principles of a strong, healthy self-esteem and assertive communication skills that carry over into getting what you need and want from many aspects of life
- Helping gay couples learn to communicate better, forge compromises, improve sex, and learn to appreciate the best in one another - recapturing the “old spark”
- Showing people newly diagnosed with HIV realize that life does go on, your dreams are still possible and important, and that you can be healthy and confident again. (I know; I’ve been living with HIV successfully myself for over 17 years now…)

HOW IT’S DONE
Trusting a therapist well enough to call for an appointment takes courage, and I honor and respect the need to know something about me before taking that kind of step. First, I’m a licensed psychotherapist who identifies as openly gay and openly HIV-positive. I say that because for over 15 years I have specialized in working with gay men and people with HIV, though of course I am happy to work with many different kinds of people.

My job is to help gay men and others improve their health, quality of life, and personal growth by helping them overcome barriers and achieve personal goals. I’ve been licensed in California since 1997, and I’ve been doing this work full-time since 1992. I’m the author of a book, and number of articles and columns (see the tab above for those, elsewhere on this website), and I give workshops as a public speaker. I do consulting work to organizations and the media on gay men’s issues. While I help individuals, I am also proud of the community advocacy work I do and occasionally grass-roots activism through my writing.

I offer a Podcast; you can subscribe to this via the link to iTunes

One of the benefits of working with me is my perspective in helping so many others with perhaps very similar challenges to yours, who have come in the years before you. I know gay men’s issues professionally because I’ve made a study of gay men’s mental health, and because unlike other therapists who claim to work with gay issues, I AM a gay man, 24/7.
I know HIV issues beyond other therapists who say they know and work with HIV because I’ve studied HIV (especially the mental health and psychosocial aspects) for over 17 years and lived with HIV successfully myself also for over 17 years.

I know about local life in West Hollywood and Los Angeles, its culture and dynamics, rewards and challenges, because I’ve lived here as an adult for nearly 25 years.

Background
I am a graduate of UCLA (BA, 1987) and of the USC School of Social Work (MSW, 1994), where I received special training and certification in working with people with psychiatric disorders (depression, bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic disorder, social anxiety, etc.).

Before my career as a therapist, I was in the corporate world, where I gained many of the skills I use when I coach people on supervising others and other workplace skills. For a number of years, I was a clinician and administrator in non-profit organizations, where I was Clinical Director of 2 AIDS service organizations, supervising departments of mental health, case management, treatment education, peer support, and home health.

I was a monthly columnist on HIV mental health issues for A&U, America’s AIDS magazine, for 2 years, and these collected columns form the basis of my self-published book, Positive Outlook: How to Successfully Live with HIV Today. I’m a frequent contributor to Frontiers and IN LA magazines in Los Angeles, as well as POZ and Instinct magazines, and to various television projects.

My job is to provide you with a private, safe, confidential space to come each week, at a time set aside just for you, with my undivided attention, where you can work toward goals that are important to you and that would relieve you of burdens or improve your quality of life. Everything we talk about is strictly confidential, except for the most extreme legal situations (like if you were suicidal and a few others I could explain).

Many people think they have to really “need” therapy to come in; that’s not really true. Our work can begin whenever you WANT it to. There is really no such thing as people who “need” therapy versus people who don’t. Everyone could benefit from knowing themselves better and setting goals to improve their life.

The most common technique I use is called the cognitive-behavioral approach. This is a very interactive technique to change the way you think about yourself, which changes the way you feel, which changes your behaviors, which then changes your life in all kinds of positive ways. With some people, I also draw from a more casual “life coaching” approach, where you learn how to get more things done, deal with anger, manage your time, deal with drinking or using, make a budget, plan your career, feel better about yourself, or communicate better with others.

What is happening with you that I might be able to help with? I hope I earn your trust enough to let me work with you.
Contact me at the email form at the bottom of this page if you have questions or would like to learn more. If you would like an appointment, I can usually see you within the same business week.

Other Services
I also offer you:
Couples Counseling — I help gay, lesbian, and straight couples achieve a more satisfying relationship by learning how to “really” communicate with each other, reducing the number or intensity of fights, having more or better sex, negotiating the details of spicing up a monogamous relationship or having an open relationship, or dealing with other types of stress that impact a relationship like illness, money troubles, or difficulties with the “in-laws.”

Drug/Alcohol/Addiction Services — It seems that over the past couples of years I’ve been helping more guys in the community with issues related to their use of crystal meth or cocaine. I also help people with changing other behaviors like too much gambling, too much sex, or other “too much” behaviors. To do this, I help them using very familiar programs like the 12 Steps, but I also incorporate the use of the Harm Reduction Model, which is for people who don’t like 12-Step programs but still want help.

Phone Counseling — If you can’t make it in in person, I offer my clients the option of calling in for a phone session, such as from a hotel on a business trip or from a film location for actors or production staff.

Executive Coaching Services for executives who have trouble with people in the office getting along, or who want to be more productive and satisfied in their work.

Career Counseling Services for people who are searching for a new job, changing their career, or who want to ask for a raise, supervise a staff, or cope with a difficult boss.

Weekend Counseling — If you need an appointment on a Saturday or Sunday, I work with an associate, Geoff Milam, MSW, ASW at 917-754-2816. He is not yet licensed, yet is a competent and fine therapist in his own right who graduated from a prestigious and rigorous graduate training program at New York University (NYU). He is legally able to work with clients under my license with regular oversight and clinical supervision, at a somewhat reduced fee rate. Call him directly for information on fees and appointment times. Geoff focuses on serving the gay community, but works with many different kinds of people. Another associate, Michael Kaltenbach, LCSW, is a very talented therapist who also offers weekend appointments in my office at 323-646-1139. So if you really need a Saturday or Sunday appointment, Geoff and Michael are wonderful resources for this.

Speaking Engagements/Workshops are something I offer on a variety of topics, such as “How to Have the Life You Want!”, “No More ‘Cheating’: How to Have an Open Relationship without Hurt Feelings” (for gay male couples), “HIV and Aging”, “HIV 101,” “Stress Management,” “Your Mind and Money,” “Moved to Move: Motivation for Exercise,” and “Beyond Condoms: HIV Prevention Via Sexual Harm Reduction”. The times, locations, and fees for these are negotiated based on the date and location. See other pages on website for more information on this, or email me at the form below.

Insurance
If you request, I can provide you with standard forms you can submit so you can receive at least some reimbursement if you have PPO health insurance with out-of-network benefits. There are pros and cons to doing this, which we can discuss when we talk. There are many benefits to just hiring me privately and leaving the “Big Brother” aspects of the insurance industry out of our work entirely. I can also provide you with receipts so you can deduct the cost of sessions with me from your taxes as either a medical expense or a business consultation expense (subject to IRS limitations; see your tax accountant for details).

How to Get Started
Sessions are 45-50 minutes in length, and I recommend that we meet once per week, on the same day and time each week, so you keep the momentum going to reach the goals you set for yourself.

Your rights are protected by my full compliance with the laws of the State of California and with the Codes of Ethics as a member of the California Board of Behavioral Sciences, the National Association of Social Workers, the California Association of Marriage & Family Therapists, the California Welfare & Institutions Code, and federal HIPAA laws.
Sound good? OK! For more information or to schedule an appointment, just call my office anytime (24-hour voicemail) at 310-726-HELP (4357). Let me know a little about how I can help you. Tell me some good times to reach you, and I’ll call you back very soon. (Giving me your work number or your cell phone number might help me to reach you faster.)
If you would like to receive my FREE bimonthly newsletter via US Mail, “Have The Life You Want,” just email me at the form below with “Newsletter Request” in the Subject line. This is mailed hard copy, so be sure to include your US Postal address.

For more information, please also see the other pages of my website.

Thanks again for visiting. I look forward to meeting you!

Although I self-identify as a gay man and work primarily with the gay male population as my “niche” and specialty, I absolutely enjoy and welcome individuals and couples of any sexual orientation and background who are devoted and willing to delve into self exploration at this point in their lives.

I will help you THINK FOR YOURSELF and take responsibility for your own life!

Rick’s Invitation to You

*Do you feel like you are stuck in a rut and it seems “impossible” to find the motivation and means to escape this trap?

*Have you lost interest in activities that used to bring you pleasure? Are you lacking direction, meaning and a sense of purpose in your life?

*Do you have addictions that leave you feeling guilty, “out of control”, hopeless and empty?

*Do you often feel worried, anxious and “stressed out” throughout the day? Do you mostly feel trapped, confused and that something is “missing” from your life.

Call for an initial NO-CHARGE 30 minute consultation.

Location
Rick Carter, MFT
8235 Santa Monica Blvd. Penthouse Suite #400
Los Angeles CA 90046

Office phone 323.656.4638
Email address rickcartermftla@aol.com

License Information
License number MFT38540
Practicing Since: 2000

Topics will include:

• acceptance of the past/letting go of old regrets/not getting bitter

• comfortable with uncertainty/direction/goals/vision

• giving back/being a role model/mentoring

• self-discovery/staying young mentally

• loving your aging body in a youth-obessed culture

• single/dating/coupled? how to do it gracefully as we age

• self-confidence: what do you love about yourself?

The workshop is part of the Lunch and Learn series at The Center. While it focuses on LGBT men and women 50 and over, it is NOT limited to this demographic. A light lunch (sandwiches and sodas usually) will be served at noon-ish. It’s a classy event, don’cha know? No charge either. So feel free to come yourself or share it with anyone who may like an interesting 90 minutes “lunch and learn” in Hillcrest. Call 619-955-3311 for more information.

Conflict Tips
Avoid arguing in the car, it’s too confining and adds to feeling trapped.

Be sure you have time, i.e. company is not coming, you’re not leaving the house soon or going to work.  Having conflict when there is no time temps a hit and run situation. Leave the bed and actually go to another room.  The bedroom is for comfort.

Some people want reassurance during conflict and others need lots of space.  Do not touch,  each other during a conflict unless your ask the other person first.

If you need to take a break during an argument  first say “I need to take a break, can we continue in twenty minutes, I’m gong for a walk, or where ever.  I’ll be back at 1:30 pm, .” (specific time)  The other person is less apt to feel left hanging or abandoned

Always allow the other person to leave or go into another part of the house without following them.  Do not try to restrain them.  Hopefully you will be able to set a mutual time to reengage.

When you “know” you are headed in the “same old direction” in your conflict and you know you are reaching “that” point, say “I want to do this the new way, let’s take a break”  Remember the phrase “The New Way”.  It’s neutral and invites the feeling of  working together.

Be respectful, no name calling.  It will come back to haunt you.

You know the buttons, don’t push them during an argument.  The pains remains and no gain.

Tell each other what topic you want to agree are off limits during an argument unless that is the topic of the conflict.

If you argue to win, you loose.

Corner Stone. Give them the benefit of the doubt, remembering your partner loves you, wants to be with you, and wants the best for you.  They may be wrong, communicating poorly, totally off base, but they are still there.

Any reference to your partners family, i.e., you’re just like your father, is a set up, it will haunt you later.

One topic at a time.  Even if you have the “perfect” example to make your point don’t give in to the temptation.  Write it down.  If it came to mind it most likely has not been resolved and needs discussion at a time when you are both calm.

Reacting, (speaking without making a conscious decision about what you want to say) is quite an obstacle to constructive conflict resolution.  On the other hand, Being curious invites you to be present in the moment.  It is difficult to be curious and angry or defensive at the same time.

Learn more about Charlene Crilley

1. Without even realizing that it is happening, I find myself focusing on others needs even at my own expense.

2. When it is my turn to receive help from others I usually decline, as I am uneasy when others focus their attention on me.

3. I have many times taken pride in the fact that I am a “helper” with others, and I can easily postpone or deny my own needs.

4. I feel the best about myself when I am giving advice and/or handling a crisis situation.

5. Many times I have waited for others to take care of me in return, only to discover that it is never my turn.

6. Sometimes I am so focused on one person that I can only think about that person and how to help them.

7. I take good care of my friends. Most people like me because of what I can do for them. If you answered true to most of the above questions, you may be codependent. To be codependent is to be skilled in the art of taking care of other people rather than of yourself.

If you are Codependent, Typically You:
• Have a long history of focusing your thoughts and behavior on other people.
• Are a “people pleaser” and will do almost anything to get the approval of others.
• Seem very competent on the outside but on the inside feel quite needy, helpless, or perhaps nothing at all.
• Have experienced abuse or emotional neglect as a child.
• Are outwardly focused towards others, and know very little about how to direct your own life from your own sense of self.

The codependent’s self-concept has developed around the needs of others instead of developing in its own right. As children, most codependents felt responsible for other family members’ feelings or behavior. If a family member was unhappy or in trouble, the codependent child came to believe that it was his or her job to “fix it.”

Later as an adult, others came to depend upon this person for help, especially in crisis. This person, who was and is always so good at helping others, is you, the codependent. Codependency can be called an other-addiction. The other that they are addicted to may or may not be another person.

If it is a person, they may or may not be chemically dependent. The codependent could be addicted to approval or affirmation of others. They could only be happy if others “make ‘them feel happy. They also can be “If-only” addicted. If only XYZ would happen, then they think they will be happy. They are looking for people, things, or circumstances outside of themselves, or how others react to them to bring them happiness.

The problem with this is that it doesn’t work! We have no control over how others feel or act towards us. It is not anyone else’s responsibility to make us happy. We set ourselves up to be unhappy if we need others approval or acceptance to find any happiness. Sometimes the person we are in a relationship with doesn’t contribute anything to the home or relationship, and just sits back and lets us do all of the work. The hard working one in the relationship can become very tired and even resentful. They start out “rescuing” the partner. Then they begin to resent the partner. This is especially true when the “victim” is not grateful.

Eventually this resentment can spill over and the person who began as a rescuer might become abusive and the one not doing her or his share becomes a victim. Often the person being “rescued” starts to feel either incompetent or guilty. Then they may lash out at the rescuer. And the rescuer can feel extremely frustrated that they are not appreciated. After all, a lot of their rescuing is done to meet their need for approval.

The person who has been overdoing it starts to see that person not doing his share as being incompetent. Then they might lash out at the rescue and become a persecutor. It just can become downright ugly. Codependents often struggle with an overwhelming need for approval from others around them. Sometimes they will do things that are against their values or standards because of their great need for others to approve of them. Often, their need for approval will drive them to burn themselves out, to please others and give, give, give.

Even if they are exhausted and feeling resentful, they don’t think they should feel that way. So, they push on. Codependent people may also have difficulty owning their own feelings. While everyone experiences a wide range of feelings, codependent people tend to experience them in a way that completely overwhelms them. This is because their feelings may have been minimized in the past- possibly for years. To deal with this, they desperately begin to seek affirmation of their thoughts and feelings.

In doing so, they begin to place more importance on other people’s opinions than on their own. They have learned not to trust their own feelings, and eventually cannot even recognize them, since they are so accustomed to “feeling the way they ’should feel’” in certain situations. Another type of codependency shows up with feelings of worthlessness. These are people who feel that they have to be perfect (always doing for others, doing well, and never making a mistake). Often they feel that to have any value, they have to earn it and be good enough. Some feel so worthless that they can begin to think and feel that they do not deserve to live.

If they feel that they are a failure, then even a very minor mistake can only confirm to them their belief that maybe they really are worthless. The feeling is very real, can build quickly and help should be sought by those who feel that way. The truth is that nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. Most mistakes can be fixed. Most people will forgive us. Even if the mistakes we make are huge, unfixable, and unforgivable, we still can make changes. We have great value to others who are in our lives and to God as well. Pia Mellody says that. “I can admit to myself that I have worth [even though I am imperfect) and have joy about my worth but also experience pain when I know that my imperfection causes trouble for me and others in relationship with me. When we make a mistake, and then feel like a failure, we get the focus wrong. If we are saying to ourselves, “Oh I am a failure, no good ” (or whatever our version of torment is) then we are not fixing the mistake that we made. First it isn’t true that we are a failure and we will be miserable for nothing. Secondly, if we can look at how we have hurt the other person, it will help us to show them we care about the pain we have caused and want to change. Also, it might help us to avoid repeating the mistake.

Source: National Council of Codependency

Many sex and love addicts have varying patterns which can result in very different ways of approaching and answering these questions. Despite this fact, we have found that short, to-the-point questions have often provided as effective a tool for self-diagnosis as have lengthy explanations of what sex and love addiction is.

We appreciate that the diagnosis of sex and love addiction is a matter that needs to be both very serious and very private. We hope that these questions will prove helpful.

1. Have you ever tried to control how much sex to have or how often you would see someone?
2. Do you find yourself unable to stop seeing a specific person even though you know that seeing this person is destructive to you?
3. Do you feel that you don’t want anyone to know about your sexual or romantic activities?
4. Do you get “high” from sex and/or romance?
5. Have you had sex at inappropriate times, in inappropriate places, and/or with inappropriate people?
6. Do you make promises to yourself concerning your sexual or romantic behavior that you find you cannot follow?
7. Have you had or do you have sex with someone you don’t (didn’t) want to have sex with?
8. Do you believe that sex and/or a relationship will make your life bearable?
9. Have you ever felt that you had to have sex?
10. Do you believe that someone can “fix” you?
11. Do you keep a list, written or otherwise, of the number of partners you’ve had?
12. Do you feel desperation or uneasiness when you are away from your lover or sexual partner?
13. Have you lost count of the number of sexual partners you’ve had?
14. Do you feel desperate about your need for a lover, sexual fix, or future mate?
15. Have you or do you have sex regardless of the consequences (e.g.. the threat of being caught, the risk of contracting herpes, gonorrhea, AIDS, etc.)?
16. Do you find that you have a pattern of repeating bad relationships?
17. Do you feel that your only (or major) value in a relationship is your ability to perform sexually, or provide an emotional fix?
18. Do you feel that you’re not “really alive” unless you are with your sexual / romantic partner?
19. Do you feel entitled to sex?
20. Do you find yourself in a relationship that you cannot leave?
21. Have you ever threatened your financial stability or standing in the community by pursuing a sexual partner?
22. Do you believe that the problems in your “love life” result from continuing to remain with the “wrong” person?
23. Have you ever had a serious relationship threatened or destroyed because of outside sexual activity?
24. Do you feel that life would have no meaning without a love relationship or without sex?
25. Do you find yourself flirting or sexualizing with someone even if you do not mean to?
26. Does your sexual and/or romantic behavior affect your reputation?
27. Do you have sex and/or “relationships” to try to deal with, or escape from life’s problems?
28. Do you feel uncomfortable about your masturbation because of the frequency with which you masturbate, the fantasies you engage in, the props you use, and/or the places in which you do it?
29. Do you engage in the practice of voyeurism, exhibitionism, etc. in ways that bring discomfort and pain?
30. Do you find yourself needing greater and greater variety and energy in your sexual or romantic activities just to achieve an “acceptable” level of physical and emotional relief?
31. Do you need to have sex, or “fall in love” in order to feel like a “real man” or a “real woman”?
32. Do you feel that your sexual and romantic behavior is about as rewarding as hijacking a revolving door?
33. Are you unable to concentrate on other areas of your life because of thoughts or feelings you are having about another person or about sex?
34. Do you find yourself obsessing about a specific person or sexual act even though these thoughts bring pain, craving or discomfort?
35. Have you ever wished you could stop or control your sexual and romantic activities for a given period of time?
36. Do you find the pain in your life increasing no matter what you do?
37. Do you feel that you lack dignity and wholeness?
38. Do you feel that your sexual and/or romantic life affects your spiritual life in a negative way?
39. Do you feel that your life is unmanageable because of your excessive dependency needs?
40. Have you ever thought that there might be more you could do with your life if you were not so driven by sexual and romantic pursuits?

excerpted © 1985 S.L.A.A.