Article by Ken Howard, LCSW, therapist in West Hollywood, California

Many young gay men, in childhood and early adolescence, as they become aware that they are gay, often build an internal awareness of their gay identity long before it is known to any other human being, including those closest to them such as parents or best friends. Eventually, this awareness builds internally until the need for it to be expressed externally becomes almost overwhelming: the person needs the outside perception by others of one’s self to be congruent with the internal reality. It is generally difficult for humans to feel one reality and act “as if” another. These guys eventually get tired of being thought of as straight, or being thought of as “asexual” or “ambiguous”, and eventually crave the external validation of their gay self from others. As the title character in the musical “Tommy” pleads, “See me, hear me.” The pain of keeping sexual orientation a secret, and the need for receiving acceptance from others and expression of affection or sexuality to others, becomes too great to contain.

This leads to the decision to spill the beans, to the grand “coming out” – for many people an event that often comes in late adolescence or during the college years, but for some earlier or later. Coming out usually refers to “coming out of the closet”, meaning moving away from the secret closet of hiding one’s gay sexual orientation to others, but it can also borrow some of its meaning from another cultural phenomenon, which is the “coming out” into society of young female “debutantes” – from the French “debut” – a tradition now associated with being limited to “old-fashioned” times or to the American South. The tradition of the debutante and her coming out at a grand cotillion dance says that a young woman moves from being a girl to a young lady; she is ready to be noticed by society as a person in her own right, and is officially “available” to be courted and dated with society’s approval. A similar tradition exists in the Latino community, when a young girl at 15 has a “quinciñera”, which is a similar marking of the transition from young girl to young lady. Jewish boys and girls have a similar rite of passage in the Bar Mitzvah or Bat Mitzvah, and Catholic boys and girls in confirmation, which mark the transition from childhood to young adulthood with a spiritual significance. Phrases in speech such as the medical “coming out of a coma” or in psychology, “coming out of an abusive home”, means that someone is emerging triumphantly from a physical, medical, or psychological prison, and into a better state of being. For gay men, coming out serves a similar purpose – it is a transition of perception of the self and to others that says to the world, “If you thought of me as a little boy before, stand corrected – I am a young man. If you thought of me as straight before, stand corrected – I am gay. If you thought of me as isolated or unavailable before, stand corrected – I am worthy of loving and being loved by another man. If you thought of me as without sexual capability before (like a eunuch), stand corrected – I am a sexual being in my own right, and I welcome this opportunity to proudly share who I am.”

But coming out is not only a personal announcement to society that serves as a marker of social availability, it is also more of a “process” than an “event”. Many gay men see their coming out as an event, where they tell many people in a short period of time – from friends, to family, to coworkers. But in reality, coming out is a process – we have to do it again and again over a lifetime. Even if we live as out, proud, gay men for the majority of our lives, too often (as the modern population since Stonewall ages), there is a risk of elderly gay men being “forced” back into the closet as they enter nursing homes or assisted living facilities where, once again, well-meaning but often ignorant staff can assume that the dear little old man is straight and widowed – as opposed to never married, never partnered, or widowed but by a male partner. Support for coming out is a lifelong process from the time we are gay children unaware of how vague feelings of being “different” translate into sexual identity, to the blooming flower of sexuality that comes with adolescence, to finding and maintaining adulthood partnerships, to extending a healthy gay sexuality well into old age.

Coming out as a process can mean many areas of “unfinished business”. Even as a gay activist, author, and speaker, I still have a few relatives in the far branches of my family tree that I haven’t directly come out to in the 20 years since my first revelation to my first confidante. I still have professional and personal situations where the assumption of heterosexuality prevails until I say or do something to disprove it publicly. Part of what makes gay men so tenacious (if we may cautiously generalize a characteristic to an entire population), is that we have to practice a certain vigilance to frequently face situations that call upon our courage to come out, over and over again. We have to practice bravery in facing potential ridicule more often than the average straight person. This must build some kind of character and certainly teaches us about the value of perseverance in the face of adversity. It also teaches us about thinking critically; once we painfully and carefully over time challenge the heterosexist notion that everyone is, or “should be” heterosexual, it becomes easier to critically examine any societal idea, assumption, or belief – and decide whether these assumptions are based on true and sound concepts or are merely prejudices that need to be challenged to reduce harm to others. Once a gay man has examined and rejected notions of heterosexism, he opens his mind to many other progressive ideas, including the idea that being a minority is not synonymous with inferiority or defect, as antigay forces (usually motivated by narrowly-interpreted religious doctrine used to obtain money, influence, or political power) would have us believe.

The individual experience of millions of gay men in this emotional process of distinct stages is repeated with every generation and has become a part of the world’s collective, universal emotional experience. The personal experience of the individual becomes a political, societal, even spiritual force that affects millions worldwide – and yet for many young men, the experience makes one feel isolated, as if they were the only ones with these strong feelings in the search for a gay identity.

Coming out is an individual process, but it ultimately serves the collective good – not only for the worldwide gay community, but for the advancement of the capability for compassion and appreciation of the pluralism of human kind.

In my psychotherapy practice, I help gay men with coming out issues at any stage of life, in addition to the many special issues gay men face – from self-esteem, to dating, to relationships, to sexual issues, to health issues (especially HIV concerns), to family issues, to mood disorders like depression and anxiety, to career and social issues. In my work with clients, I try to help them “come out” of their own limitations, and emerge into a new sense of themselves that is refreshed and renewed, meeting the life goals that they set for themselves. Mastering his own version of the coming out process is a part of every gay man’s mental health.

(For more information or for a consultation, contact Ken Howard, LCSW, at 310-726-4357)

• 0 Comments

By Charlene Crilley

Conflict Tips
Avoid arguing in the car, it’s too confining and adds to feeling trapped.

Be sure you have time, i.e. company is not coming, you’re not leaving the house soon or going to work.  Having conflict when there is no time temps a hit and run situation. Leave the bed and actually go to another room.  The bedroom is for comfort.

Some people want reassurance during conflict and others need lots of space.  Do not touch,  each other during a conflict unless your ask the other person first.

If you need to take a break during an argument  first say “I need to take a break, can we continue in twenty minutes, I’m gong for a walk, or where ever.  I’ll be back at 1:30 pm, .” (specific time)  The other person is less apt to feel left hanging or abandoned

Always allow the other person to leave or go into another part of the house without following them.  Do not try to restrain them.  Hopefully you will be able to set a mutual time to reengage.

When you “know” you are headed in the “same old direction” in your conflict and you know you are reaching “that” point, say “I want to do this the new way, let’s take a break”  Remember the phrase “The New Way”.  It’s neutral and invites the feeling of  working together.

Be respectful, no name calling.  It will come back to haunt you.

You know the buttons, don’t push them during an argument.  The pains remains and no gain.

Tell each other what topic you want to agree are off limits during an argument unless that is the topic of the conflict.

If you argue to win, you loose.

Corner Stone. Give them the benefit of the doubt, remembering your partner loves you, wants to be with you, and wants the best for you.  They may be wrong, communicating poorly, totally off base, but they are still there.

Any reference to your partners family, i.e., you’re just like your father, is a set up, it will haunt you later.

One topic at a time.  Even if you have the “perfect” example to make your point don’t give in to the temptation.  Write it down.  If it came to mind it most likely has not been resolved and needs discussion at a time when you are both calm.

Reacting, (speaking without making a conscious decision about what you want to say) is quite an obstacle to constructive conflict resolution.  On the other hand, Being curious invites you to be present in the moment.  It is difficult to be curious and angry or defensive at the same time.

Learn more about Charlene Crilley

• Comments Off

Questions & Answers: True or False

1. Without even realizing that it is happening, I find myself focusing on others needs even at my own expense.

2. When it is my turn to receive help from others I usually decline, as I am uneasy when others focus their attention on me.

3. I have many times taken pride in the fact that I am a “helper” with others, and I can easily postpone or deny my own needs.

4. I feel the best about myself when I am giving advice and/or handling a crisis situation.

5. Many times I have waited for others to take care of me in return, only to discover that it is never my turn.

6. Sometimes I am so focused on one person that I can only think about that person and how to help them.

7. I take good care of my friends. Most people like me because of what I can do for them. If you answered true to most of the above questions, you may be codependent. To be codependent is to be skilled in the art of taking care of other people rather than of yourself.

If you are Codependent, Typically You:
• Have a long history of focusing your thoughts and behavior on other people.
• Are a “people pleaser” and will do almost anything to get the approval of others.
• Seem very competent on the outside but on the inside feel quite needy, helpless, or perhaps nothing at all.
• Have experienced abuse or emotional neglect as a child.
• Are outwardly focused towards others, and know very little about how to direct your own life from your own sense of self.

The codependent’s self-concept has developed around the needs of others instead of developing in its own right. As children, most codependents felt responsible for other family members’ feelings or behavior. If a family member was unhappy or in trouble, the codependent child came to believe that it was his or her job to “fix it.”

Later as an adult, others came to depend upon this person for help, especially in crisis. This person, who was and is always so good at helping others, is you, the codependent. Codependency can be called an other-addiction. The other that they are addicted to may or may not be another person.

If it is a person, they may or may not be chemically dependent. The codependent could be addicted to approval or affirmation of others. They could only be happy if others “make ‘them feel happy. They also can be “If-only” addicted. If only XYZ would happen, then they think they will be happy. They are looking for people, things, or circumstances outside of themselves, or how others react to them to bring them happiness.

The problem with this is that it doesn’t work! We have no control over how others feel or act towards us. It is not anyone else’s responsibility to make us happy. We set ourselves up to be unhappy if we need others approval or acceptance to find any happiness. Sometimes the person we are in a relationship with doesn’t contribute anything to the home or relationship, and just sits back and lets us do all of the work. The hard working one in the relationship can become very tired and even resentful. They start out “rescuing” the partner. Then they begin to resent the partner. This is especially true when the “victim” is not grateful.

Eventually this resentment can spill over and the person who began as a rescuer might become abusive and the one not doing her or his share becomes a victim. Often the person being “rescued” starts to feel either incompetent or guilty. Then they may lash out at the rescuer. And the rescuer can feel extremely frustrated that they are not appreciated. After all, a lot of their rescuing is done to meet their need for approval.

The person who has been overdoing it starts to see that person not doing his share as being incompetent. Then they might lash out at the rescue and become a persecutor. It just can become downright ugly. Codependents often struggle with an overwhelming need for approval from others around them. Sometimes they will do things that are against their values or standards because of their great need for others to approve of them. Often, their need for approval will drive them to burn themselves out, to please others and give, give, give.

Even if they are exhausted and feeling resentful, they don’t think they should feel that way. So, they push on. Codependent people may also have difficulty owning their own feelings. While everyone experiences a wide range of feelings, codependent people tend to experience them in a way that completely overwhelms them. This is because their feelings may have been minimized in the past- possibly for years. To deal with this, they desperately begin to seek affirmation of their thoughts and feelings.

In doing so, they begin to place more importance on other people’s opinions than on their own. They have learned not to trust their own feelings, and eventually cannot even recognize them, since they are so accustomed to “feeling the way they ’should feel’” in certain situations. Another type of codependency shows up with feelings of worthlessness. These are people who feel that they have to be perfect (always doing for others, doing well, and never making a mistake). Often they feel that to have any value, they have to earn it and be good enough. Some feel so worthless that they can begin to think and feel that they do not deserve to live.

If they feel that they are a failure, then even a very minor mistake can only confirm to them their belief that maybe they really are worthless. The feeling is very real, can build quickly and help should be sought by those who feel that way. The truth is that nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. Most mistakes can be fixed. Most people will forgive us. Even if the mistakes we make are huge, unfixable, and unforgivable, we still can make changes. We have great value to others who are in our lives and to God as well. Pia Mellody says that. “I can admit to myself that I have worth [even though I am imperfect) and have joy about my worth but also experience pain when I know that my imperfection causes trouble for me and others in relationship with me. When we make a mistake, and then feel like a failure, we get the focus wrong. If we are saying to ourselves, “Oh I am a failure, no good ” (or whatever our version of torment is) then we are not fixing the mistake that we made. First it isn’t true that we are a failure and we will be miserable for nothing. Secondly, if we can look at how we have hurt the other person, it will help us to show them we care about the pain we have caused and want to change. Also, it might help us to avoid repeating the mistake.

Source: National Council of Codependency

• Comments Off

The following questions are designed to be used as guidelines to identifying possible signposts of sex and love addiction. They are not intended to provide a sure-fire method of diagnosis, nor can negative answers to these questions provide absolute assurance that the illness is not present.

Many sex and love addicts have varying patterns which can result in very different ways of approaching and answering these questions. Despite this fact, we have found that short, to-the-point questions have often provided as effective a tool for self-diagnosis as have lengthy explanations of what sex and love addiction is.

We appreciate that the diagnosis of sex and love addiction is a matter that needs to be both very serious and very private. We hope that these questions will prove helpful.

1. Have you ever tried to control how much sex to have or how often you would see someone?
2. Do you find yourself unable to stop seeing a specific person even though you know that seeing this person is destructive to you?
3. Do you feel that you don’t want anyone to know about your sexual or romantic activities?
4. Do you get “high” from sex and/or romance?
5. Have you had sex at inappropriate times, in inappropriate places, and/or with inappropriate people?
6. Do you make promises to yourself concerning your sexual or romantic behavior that you find you cannot follow?
7. Have you had or do you have sex with someone you don’t (didn’t) want to have sex with?
8. Do you believe that sex and/or a relationship will make your life bearable?
9. Have you ever felt that you had to have sex?
10. Do you believe that someone can “fix” you?
11. Do you keep a list, written or otherwise, of the number of partners you’ve had?
12. Do you feel desperation or uneasiness when you are away from your lover or sexual partner?
13. Have you lost count of the number of sexual partners you’ve had?
14. Do you feel desperate about your need for a lover, sexual fix, or future mate?
15. Have you or do you have sex regardless of the consequences (e.g.. the threat of being caught, the risk of contracting herpes, gonorrhea, AIDS, etc.)?
16. Do you find that you have a pattern of repeating bad relationships?
17. Do you feel that your only (or major) value in a relationship is your ability to perform sexually, or provide an emotional fix?
18. Do you feel that you’re not “really alive” unless you are with your sexual / romantic partner?
19. Do you feel entitled to sex?
20. Do you find yourself in a relationship that you cannot leave?
21. Have you ever threatened your financial stability or standing in the community by pursuing a sexual partner?
22. Do you believe that the problems in your “love life” result from continuing to remain with the “wrong” person?
23. Have you ever had a serious relationship threatened or destroyed because of outside sexual activity?
24. Do you feel that life would have no meaning without a love relationship or without sex?
25. Do you find yourself flirting or sexualizing with someone even if you do not mean to?
26. Does your sexual and/or romantic behavior affect your reputation?
27. Do you have sex and/or “relationships” to try to deal with, or escape from life’s problems?
28. Do you feel uncomfortable about your masturbation because of the frequency with which you masturbate, the fantasies you engage in, the props you use, and/or the places in which you do it?
29. Do you engage in the practice of voyeurism, exhibitionism, etc. in ways that bring discomfort and pain?
30. Do you find yourself needing greater and greater variety and energy in your sexual or romantic activities just to achieve an “acceptable” level of physical and emotional relief?
31. Do you need to have sex, or “fall in love” in order to feel like a “real man” or a “real woman”?
32. Do you feel that your sexual and romantic behavior is about as rewarding as hijacking a revolving door?
33. Are you unable to concentrate on other areas of your life because of thoughts or feelings you are having about another person or about sex?
34. Do you find yourself obsessing about a specific person or sexual act even though these thoughts bring pain, craving or discomfort?
35. Have you ever wished you could stop or control your sexual and romantic activities for a given period of time?
36. Do you find the pain in your life increasing no matter what you do?
37. Do you feel that you lack dignity and wholeness?
38. Do you feel that your sexual and/or romantic life affects your spiritual life in a negative way?
39. Do you feel that your life is unmanageable because of your excessive dependency needs?
40. Have you ever thought that there might be more you could do with your life if you were not so driven by sexual and romantic pursuits?

excerpted © 1985 S.L.A.A.

• Comments Off

Boundaries are those invisible lines of protection you draw around yourself; the way you assert your wants and needs with others.  Asserting your boundaries is the way people know your limits.

Healthy boundaries give you freedom in relating to others and give them a sense of security in knowing what is expected.  Make them too solid and you build walls, too weak and your relationships become unclear. How well constructed are your boundaries? Take a few minutes to find out.

•    I start statements with “I” rather than “you” or “we.” This lets me own what I say and is less defensive than “you” and cleaner than “we.”
•    My boundaries are specific and clear.  “I don’t accept phone calls after 10 p.m.” Rather than vague and mushy. “Don’t call me too late.”
•    I’m consistent when I create boundaries. If I say “no phone calls after 10 p.m.,” I don’t make exceptions unless the situation is truly exceptional.
•    When people attempt to cross my boundaries, I don’t assume the worst (they don’t care, they weren’t paying attention, they’re selfish and inconsiderate); I simply restate my position.
•    As soon as I realize I’m in a situation that might be headed for trouble, I announce my boundary. “I won’t continue talking with you if you raise your voice at me.”
•    I try to avoid situations and people where I know my boundaries will be continually tested.
•    I don’t take responsibility for how others respond to my boundaries. If someone becomes resentful because I won’t accept a 10:30 phone call, or I didn’t wait when she was twenty minutes late for our appointment, I don’t have to try and make it OK for him or her.
•    I respect others’ boundaries and ask for clarification when I’m not certain of their limits. “How late do you accept phone calls?”
•    When people refuse to respect my boundaries, I walk away rather than get into a situation that could escalate. I say why I’m leaving.
•    I let people know when I have extended a boundary. “It used to be OK for you to be late, but now … “

Every individual has to create his or her own boundaries, what’s OK for one might not work for another. But every person has a right to set boundaries and to expect that their limits will be respected. If your boundaries are flimsy or worse, nonexistent, you invite drama and chaos into your life.

Boundaries held firm will help make life easier, reduce conflict and improve relationships. Plus, they’re a real self-esteem booster. As the poet said, “Good fences make good neighbors.”

• Comments Off

“What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.”
—W. H. Davies

You’re just about to leave for your dentist appointment, when you receive a phone call saying the dentist has been called out on emergency and will have to reschedule your appointment.

Congratulations! You are the winner of one unexpected free hour!  What will you do with your winnings?

•    Answer your email?
•    Return to the project you were working on before you had to leave?
•    Pay bills?
•    Return phone calls?

Ever consider doing nothing?

If you’re like many of us today, the thought of doing absolutely nothing for an entire hour seems as wasteful as throwing a week’s worth of groceries out with the garbage. Indeed, free time with nothing to do can generate near panic among some of us who are overloaded and time-starved.

“We seem to have a complex about busyness in our culture,” says Thomas Moore, author of Care of the Soul. “Most of us do have some time each day to devote to simple relaxation, but we convince ourselves that we don’t.”

And yet, the harder we push, the more we need to replenish ourselves. As Stephan Rechtschaffen, author of Timeshifting, says, “Each of us needs some time that is strictly and entirely our own, and we should experience it daily.”

The importance of this downtime cannot be overstated.
•    we see more clearly, we hear more keenly
•    we’re more inspired
•    we discover what makes us feel alive.

On some level, we know this already. But claiming time to ourselves, time that is often labeled “unproductive”, and sticking to it can be difficult. We need to establish formal boundaries around our “idle” time to ensure we honor this time.

Some ways to do this are:

•    Make a date with yourself. Get to know someone who deserves your attention—you.
•    Stand firm. Learn how to say “no” to co-workers, children, a spouse or a friend. In just a short while, you can say “yes,” but now is your time.
•    Be specific about your needs. “I’d like to spend 20 minutes by myself in the morning before everyone gets up.” Rather than  “I need more time to myself.”
•    Be on the lookout for stolen moments. Use the canceled dental appointment to sit on a park bench watching pigeons.
•    Practice doing nothing. “Doing nothing” is an art, and like all art you need to practice it to reach your highest potential.
•    Do something that has no purpose other than joy. Take a half-hour a day to surprise and delight yourself. Keep it simple, and keep it consistent. If your idle time becomes a “program,” or becomes progress toward some productive goal, begin again.

How we define idle time varies by individual. For example, for one person, gardening may be meditative downtime, whereas for another, it is one more item on the to-do list (to be done as quickly as possible). The woods is a great place to stroll through for one person, an opportunity to be in and with nature; for another, it’s a great place for a power walk while dictating letters into a small tape recorder.

Our idle time should be like a beautiful flower: it has no purpose. It’s just there. And yet, it refreshes us and reminds us of nature’s glory.  It’s stunning, how simple it really is.

• Comments Off

Whether there are children involved or not, ending a marriage or partnership challenges us in ways that not much else does. The term “good divorce” seems a contradiction in terms. And yet, there are practices we can bring into our lives that will help us navigate the big waves and the roiling waters.

Things you can do to ease you and your family through this life-changing episode.

1.    Express my feelings. I do more than communicate them to the others.  For example, if I’m angry, I might pound my bed or a pillow. Or I might journal or paint furious red canvases.

2.    I seek support.  If I’m feeling hopeless or discouraged about this new phase, I seek support from a counselor, clergy member or friends.|

3.    I encourage others not to take sides against the person with whom I’m ending a relationship

4.    I minimize change, keeping as much of the routine and rhythm of life as possible, for myself and for my children. If I don’t have custody, I try to maintain as many old habits and rituals with them as I can. I consistently maintain rules that have been in force in the past.

5.    I build a team of people to help me make good choices and, hopefully, less adversarial choices.

6.    I remember divorce is not about winning but being able to move on independently.  A good outcome in a divorce is something both parties can live with.

7.    I remind myself; when children are involved, it’s about fostering healthy development of the children. I use email, fax or mail to communicate, when talking isn’t working. However, I respect that these communications don’t belong at work, and I remember that the goal is not to zing the other but to gain clarity.

8.    I avoid talking negatively about my former spouse in front of friends or my children. I know it has a negative impact on my children and their self-esteem and will polarize and alienate friends who want to remain in relationship with both my former spouse and me.

9.    I make sure to attend to my physical and emotional needs, taking time for myself to rest and heal during this stressful period.

10.    I don’t seek to physically, financially or emotionally hurt my spouse or partner.

11.    I involve a mediator in negotiating post-relationship arrangements, such as co-parenting or splitting belongings when communication breaks down.

12.    In front of children or mutual friends, I concentrate on my ex’s better qualities rather than on those that precipitated the divorce.

13.    I spend time, maybe months; taking stock of the lessons I’ve learned from this relationship. I do on my own, in my journal, or with the help of a professional.

14.    I remember the golden rule as I go about parting ways, treating my ex in the way I want to be treated.

15.    I formally recognize the closing of this chapter of my life with a ritual or ceremony, if possible with my former partner; if not, then by myself.

• Comments Off

Two individuals are robbed at gunpoint. One experiences overwhelming helplessness and has a hard month. But by the end of that time, he has pretty much resolved and integrated the incident into his life. The other person experiences intense rage. Years later, she is still struggling with the negative, life-changing aftermath of the trauma.

As seen in the above example, not everyone reacts to trauma in the same way. Just as pain thresholds differ, so do trauma thresholds. But as William Shakespeare wrote in his play Othello, “What wound did ever heal but by degrees?”

Having studied trauma intensively over the past couple of decades, researchers now know that a traumatic event’s impact depends on the perception of it. Perception is influenced by a number of factors including age, physical characteristics, level of support, etc. Thus, emotional trauma can result from a single extreme and deeply felt experience or from a series of low-intensity events. Even everyday happenings—falls, difficult births, betrayals, medical/dental procedures—can cause the same lingering traumatic effects as extreme or violent events, such as physical abuse, combat or serious accidents.

Fortunately, even traumatic effects that linger for years can be resolved, and the result can be a new present-day reality that includes, but is not dominated by, a traumatic past.

“The same immense energies that create the symptoms of trauma, when properly engaged and mobilized, can transform the trauma and propel us into new heights of healing, mastery and even wisdom,” writes Peter Levine, author of Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma.

The Natural Trauma Response
Levine and others contend that emotional trauma goes unhealed when the natural trauma response is interrupted and feelings unleashed by the event remain unresolved. Because of this, anxiety, anger, depression, guilt, hopelessness, self-blame, shame and other feelings freeze up inside of us.

That “freeze” is not just emotional, but physical as well. Recent research indicates that parts of the brain become altered by traumatic events. These disruptions are actually visible on brain scans.

Just what is a natural trauma response? It’s the whole continuum of emotional and physical sensations that occur with the first inclination that something is wrong or dangerous. To understand it, Levine suggests that we look at how animals respond to danger, real or perceived.

After the animal has instinctively chosen to fight, flee or freeze, and the danger has passed, the animal twitches and trembles throughout the entire body, essentially “shedding” the tension required for alertness and quick response.

Human response to danger—real or perceived—can also involve shaking, sweating, crying, laughing or shuddering. Just like the animal, such responses are natural and part of the body’s effort to return to a state of equilibrium. They are crucial to the recovery process, and they may go on for hours, days or weeks.

Too often, however, we deny this process or don’t give it its due. We say to ourselves or hear from others, Pull yourself together. Forget about it. Get up and shake it off. It’s time to get on with your life.

And when we do that, when we ignore the emotional and physical sensations that continue after a traumatizing event, we interrupt the natural cycle, short-circuiting our natural ability to heal. It is this, more than anything, that sets us up for a damaging traumatic aftermath.

“The animal’s ability to rebound from threat can serve as a model for humans,” Levine writes. “It gives us a direction that may point the way to our own innate healing abilities.”

Life After Trauma
The incidence of serious negative events that typically evoke traumatic response is surprisingly pervasive in our culture today. A 20-year study released in 2005 by Kaiser Permanente and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention showed that of the 17,337 middle-class participants, a startling 64% had experienced one or more of eight categories of traumatic childhood events.

The study showed a significant connection between this childhood trauma and disease, depression, drug use and/or suicide.  Perhaps that is because unresolved trauma can undermine basic human needs. These writers and others stress that it is not necessary to relive one’s emotional pain in order to heal trauma. For some, doing so may trigger re-traumatization

Dena Rosenbloom and Mary Beth Williams, authors of Life After Trauma: A Workbook for Healing, identify these basic needs as

•    safety
•    trust
•    a measure of control over one’s life
•    self-worth
•    intimacy

Ways to help yourself

•    focus on what you can do today.
•    pay attention to your feelings and reactions, •    seek helpful support,
•    learn from others who’ve “been there,”
•    allow yourself to grieve
•    take your time.

• 0 Comments

Every day, millions of people come home from work or school, boot up their computers and enter a world we wouldn’t have dreamed of twenty years ago.

They “talk” with anonymous strangers in chat rooms and news groups; “visit” museums and African plains; “kiss,” “hug” and “have sex” by typing into a computer; “swim underwater” in simulated oceans.

It’s a new world, all right—one in which we are confronted daily with new emotional issues, or new twists on age-old issues. These three brief vignettes illustrate some of the uncharted waters we are wading in today.

Real Life vs. Net Life
George spends five to eight hours a day on the Internet talking with a vast assortment of friends in various chat communities. He presents himself alternately as an assertive and confident Casanova, an opinionated scholar or a focused, take-charge businessman.

In “real life,” George is none of these. Painfully shy and extremely self-critical, George keeps to himself.

“I feel more like myself when I’m online,” he says. But what he really means is, “I feel more like who I wish I was.”

In online culture, people often use the anonymity to put forth an alternate “self.” Internet interactions don’t carry the same risks as face-to-face conversations. And that can free people to explore previously underdeveloped parts of themselves.

But without integrating those new parts into real life, identities remain dependent on a machine. The computer becomes simply a safe haven in which to hide. And boundaries between the imagined world and real world become further blurred.

Virtual Infidelity
Every time Cynthia’s husband heads upstairs to the office, her stomach tightens and her jaw clenches.

“I feel paranoid whenever he is on the computer,” she says. “I can’t get it off my mind that he is cheating.”

Cynthia confronted Victor after reading an email from a woman she had never heard of, who apparently lived in another country. Victor denied having an affair. After all, he had never actually seen the other woman, much less touched her, and he had no plans to do so. “A bunch of typed words don’t amount to an affair,” he maintained. It was just talking and exploring fantasies.

But to Cynthia, the intimacy expressed in the email is more threatening than a purely sexual relationship. She wondered why her partner couldn’t be that intimate with her.

Intimacy issues are often at the heart of Internet affairs. Too often, however, online time serves only to distract from the marital problems at hand. And online relationships are generally easier because of the illusion of perfection. Lack of information about the real person to whom one is talking, the silence into which one types, the absence of visual cues—all these can make the person on the other end of the keyboard seem infinitely more wonderful than the imperfect person who shares your bed.

Simulated Experience
Four-year-old Eddie spends hours behind a computer screen studying whales and porpoises; he can identify almost anything that swims. But Eddie has never seen real fish, though he lives near the ocean and a world-class aquarium.

Like a pint-sized hermit peering out of his window, Eddie, like huge numbers of children today, is learning about nature on a computer screen, not from direct contact with the natural world. His experience is only a simulated experience, which increasing numbers of people are willing to accept as sufficient.

And yet, watching elms shimmer in the bright fall sunshine on a flashy website is not the same as actually strolling through a wood of shimmering elms.

Simulation is seductive; it avoids imperfections, cracks, rough edges. Fake things can seem more compelling than the real.

Ultimately, it’s a matter of balance and awareness. There is no question that computers and the Internet are here to stay. The most important question is: How can we get the best of both?

Time Leakage
Handling email and “surfing the Web” can eat hours from each day. Bit by bit, our days dribble away, trickling out our modems. Every hour behind the keyboard is 60 minutes not spent doing something else. During the hours you spend online, you could instead plant a garden, volunteer at a senior citizen’s home, teach your child (or a neighborhood kid) to catch a pop fly, throw a vase on a potter’s wheel. It’s all about balance. Is there something you’d feel better about doing?

When the Internet Becomes a Problem
People get addicted to all sorts of things: drugs, eating, gambling, exercising, spending, sex, etc. Problematic addiction can be defined as anything that never really satisfies needs, that ultimately causes unhappiness and disrupts lives.

Here are some questions psychologists offer to help you assess if you are indeed addicted:

•     Are you neglecting important things in your life because of this behavior?

•     Is this behavior disrupting your relationships with important people in your life?

•     Do important people in your life get annoyed or disappointed with you about this behavior?

•     Do you get defensive or irritable when people criticize this behavior?

•     Do you ever feel guilty or anxious about what you are doing?

•     Have you ever found yourself being secretive about or trying to “cover up” this behavior?

•     Have you ever tried to cut down, but were unable to?

•     Is there a hidden need that drives this behavior?

I you answered yes to one or two of these questions there is cause for concern.
If you answered yes to three or more of them, this could mean trouble.

• Comments Off

by Dr. Karen Gless, MFT

“Baby, you can light my fire” or so the song goes but what if that fire doesn’t seem to ignite? It is known that low sexual desire is a function of our minds and our bodies. What is not often known is that it takes a bit of detective work to discover what the cause of the low desire is and then what can be done to solve it.

First, it is important that a therapist’s basic stand be “sex positive” when it comes to sex. The stand to take with couples is that both partners count. When counseling individuals or couples, these are the attitudes that should drive therapy.

• Comments Off